The funeral is a ceremony of proven
worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the
survivors and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect,
grief and appreciation for a life that has been lived. It permits facing
openly and realistically the crisis the death presents. Through the
funeral the bereaved take that first step toward emotional adjustment to their
loss.
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The type of service conducted for the
deceased is specified by the family. Funeral directors are trained to
assist families in arranging whatever type of service they desire. The
service, held either at a place of worship or at the funeral home with the
deceased present, varies in ritual according to denomination. The
presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship and
support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary
notice published announcing the death and type of service to be held.
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PRIVATE SERVICE -
This service is by invitation only and may be held at a place of
worship, a funeral home or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and
a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often public visitation
is held, condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.
MEMORIAL SERVICE - A memorial service is a service
without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to
the community and religious affiliations. Some families prefer public
visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service
later at the church or funeral home.
PALLBEARERS
- Friends, relatives, church members or business associates may be
asked to serve as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure
pallbearers if requested to do so by the family.
HONORARY PALLBEARERS - When the deceased has been active
in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be appropriate for the
family to request close associates of the deceased to serve as honorary
pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.
EULOGY - A eulogy may be given by a member of the
family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the
deceased. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and
commendation and reflect the life of the person who has died.
DRESS - Wearing colorful clothing is no longer
inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral
should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for the
family and the occasion.
FUNERAL PROCESSION -
When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held within the local
area, friends and relatives may accompany the family to the cemetery. The
procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The funeral
director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to follow
while driving in a funeral procession.
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The time of death is a very confusing
time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing your
sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself to the family.
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FLOWERS -
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing
sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life
and beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can
either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the
residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's
continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an
identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the cards
are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so they may
acknowledge the tributes sent.
MASS CARDS -
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The
offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family.
A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may be
obtained from any Catholic parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain
Mass cards at the funeral home. The Mass offering card or envelope is
given to the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion.
Make sure that your name and address is legible and that you list your
postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your
gift.
MEMORIAL DONATIONS - A memorial
contribution, to a specific cause or charity, can be appreciated as flowers.
A large number of memorial funds are available, however the family may
have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide financial support
for various projects. If recognized as a charitable institution, some
gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your funeral director is
familiar with them and can explain each option, as well as furnish the donor
with "In Memoriam" cards, which are given to the family.
SYMPATHY CARDS - Sending a card of sympathy, even if you
are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the family
members to know they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good
taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.
PERSONAL NOTE - A personal note of
sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An
expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is welcomed by
the family and can be kept with other messages.
TELEPHONE CALL - Speaking to a family member gives you
an opportunity to offer your services and make them feel you really care.
If they wish to discuss their recent loss, don't hesitate to talk to the
person about the deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram
expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.
VISITATION - Your presence at the visitation
demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your
presence is an eloquent statement that you care.
Visitation provides a
time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy,
rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or
social activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of
visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the times
when special services such as lodge services or prayer services may be held.
Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during suggested hours
of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not present.
Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A
person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. Edward Oliver". If the
person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation as the
family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.
Friends should use their own judgement on how long they should remain
at the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their presence
is needed, they should offer to stay.
When the funeral service is over,
the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is
important that they know you are still there. Keep in touch.
SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS - When a person calls at the
funeral home, sympathy can be expressed by clasping hands, an embrace, or a
simple statement of condolence, such as:
"I'm sorry." "My sympathy
to you." "It was good to know John." "Frank was a fine person and a
friend of mine. He will be missed." "My sympathy to your mother."
The
family member in return may say:
"Thanks for coming." "Frank talked
about you often." "I didn't realize so many people cared." "Come see me
when you can."
Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and
thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS - The family should acknowledge the
flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and
personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be
acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral
director may have available printed acknowledgement cards which can be used by
the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal
note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a
contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such
as:
"Thank you for the beautiful flowers. The arrangement was
lovely." "The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your
kindness is deeply appreciated."
In some communities it is a practice
to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can
assist you with this.
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At a very early age, children have an
awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option
to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral director can
advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide
you with additional information and literature.
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It is healthy to recognize death and
discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies,
there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the
offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is
important that we share our grief with one another. Your local funeral
director can help family and friends locate available resources and grief
recovery programs in your area.
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Copyright 2002-2007 Ramblin' Clam Productions, All Rights Reserved
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